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Josiah, my son, you are four. As of today.What are you like?… hm… well…
If given a choice of goody, you will always choose chocolate flavor. Cake? Chocolate. Ice cream? Chocolate. Candy? Chocolate. You are a simple man with simple, and often very specific tastes. For example, you like cheese, but it cannot be melted in any way. It also cannot be white. It can’t be too sharp or too mild, to squeaky or too crumbly. Pretty much you like medium to sharp Tillamook (yellow) cheddar. Cold and not greasing or melting in any way. You won’t even eat the pre-sliced ones. It has to be off the block. But then between when I started writing this and now, you’ve decided you will indeed eat a pre-sliced cheese slice, at least for today. Always keeping me guessing…
I had no grace for parents with picky children before you. I always thought it was their fault. Just feed them a variety of foods, I said. When they’re hungry they’ll eat, I said. If they get hungry enough, they’ll eat it, I said. They’ll eat whatever I’m eating, I said. Mmhm. Parenting is the greatest gifter of humility. So many things are not as I thought they were. I do not know as much as I thought I did. I am not as patient as I thought I would be. I am a better person for the realization that I do not have it all figured out, a better person with a little less pride and a long way to go in becoming a perfect parent. Wow, I thought I knew so many thing before I had you. You have made me question so many things I didn’t know I had questions about. You have changed me, you are changing me, for the better. And I am not there. You are my iron sharpening iron. Sometimes it makes a terrible loud sound. Sometimes it is uncomfortable. It is work. But we are becoming something more useful, something more beautiful, something more what it should be. And I love you for it. God knew what he was doing when you gave you to us, to me. I am so grateful for everything you teach me about life, about being Spirit controlled, not emotion controlled, about how to lead instead of bully, how to respond instead of react. It is hard. I can’t lie. And I fail a lot. But I know what I need to do now. I need God, more than ever before because you are strong. So strong. You are so gifted, so full of life and personality, so BIG in your feelings, in your heart. You are driven. You are your own person. You are going to be such an incredible man. And I want to help you get there. I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want to push back too hard, but I want to give you the security you need to test the boundaries and not fall off the edge. And I need God’s wisdom for that. You have made me seek him more. There is no more valuable gift you could give me than more of Him.
That was a tangent. But those are my thoughts toward you. I am always trying to anticipate your next move (your next move is most often resistance to whatever it is we have for you to do), and trying to anticipate and control my own reactions to you. You keep me on my toes, and on my toes I seek the Lord.
What else?
You are into everything wheeled, very much the typical boy. Trucks, cars, trains. You got quite the assortment for your birthday. Cranes and trucks and construction vehicles. Tia Carmen, Mimi, Granny & Grandpa, Daddy, Sissy and I were all there to help you celebrate your 4th birthday, Mario style. This past weekend we spent 2 days in Disneyland with Mimi and visited the Battleship Iowa in Long Beach. You walked and climbed all over the ship saying repeatedly, “I’m the Captain!” and “All Aboard!” You are so cute, it makes my heart ache.
You are now attending preschool 2 times per week, and you love it. You are showing interest in letters and numbers. You know your colors. It seems the teachers are handling you well, at least they’re sparing me the details if you’re getting in trouble more than I think you are. When I ask, they say you’re “coming along.” I’ll take that as a positive.
You really are the sweetest child. You are strong-willed, and opinionated, and test every boundary relentlessly, but you are so very loving. Your cuddles are encompassing, glacier-melting, fully invested, head-tucked, body-wrapped surrender. One of the best ways to turn around a conflict with you is to simply hold you, ask if you want to sit on my lap, ask if you want a hug. The answer is, 9 times out of 10, “Yes,” with an immediate deescalation of attitude.
Your vocabulary is rapidly growing. I should be writing notes so I can remember these things, but I know you’ve surprised me with multiple three or four syllable words in the past several weeks. One of them was transformation I think. Every now and then, my eyebrows arch when you talk, and I have to make you repeat what you said because I don’t believe what I just heard. And you have taken to telling stories. “Mommy, I want to tell you something,” or “I want to tell you a story,” are becoming regular phrases out of your mouth. During your birthday weekend away, I was tucking you in next to your sleeping sister in the hotel room and you spent a good 15 minutes making me laugh until my tummy hurt and there were tears streaming down my face, telling me some story about a scehwee (scary) skeleton and Santa Claus, telling me “he sounds like this,” in a silly, garbled voice. My tears were very irritating for you. You kept grabbing my face and scolding me, “Why are you crying, Mommy. I want to tell you a story. Listen, Mommy.”
I have been realizing these past several months that your babyhood is over. You are now a little boy. It’s sad. It’s exciting. It’s no more diapers. It’s no more of so many more pleasant baby things. It’s all the joy of who you are right now and all the possibilities of who you will become. But it is a new era. My baby is gone.
One of the verses that has come to mind repeatedly in the past couple of years for you, a life verse for you, at least one of them, for now, is out of Matthew 5, “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
You are a bright light. You are the kind of kid that gets noticed. I pray that, as you grow, we will know how to help you make your light effective and productive, a benefit. That God would use the incredible loudness of life that he has instilled in you and channel it, and put it on a lampstand to light the house or on a hill to light the city, a light that leads people to Jesus.
May He always be near you, giving you a heart that desires to know him, that loves Him. I pray He is always real to you, that you know His truth and His goodness, and His incredible love for you. May you always be secure in who you are in Him, with full assurance of faith, surrendering your hopes and dreams, your talents and abilities, your personality, your life, all you are to Him, to walk the path He has for you. I know that you will do great things with the Lord as your guide. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding (like me you want to know why you have to do things, but we have to learn that sometimes we won’t understand and we trust him anyway), in all your ways acknowledge Him (give your time and attention to him daily, regularly, early in the morning, all day long, ask Him, seek out what He’s doing, what He wants you to do, and do that!) and He will direct your path.” There is no better way than His way, son. My prayer for you is that you learn that the easy way, that you learn to trust Him when you are little, that you will be wise beyond your years and that the world’s lies will always seem to you as they are, unappealing untruths and distractions that lead to death. There is life in Him. Let Him lead you. Let Him brighten your light and let it shine.
You are my sunshiney boy, a beacon of life and exuberance, fullness and joy. I love you so much! Happy Birthday to you, JoJo!
