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Once again, I’m trying to catch up on weeks/months of your lives, and it’s overhwelming to even know where to begin. I hope you guys know that I realize this record of your life isn’t perfect. I wish I did it better, wrote more, could be more consistent, record less typos and more eloquence. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing to record all the most important things, and sometimes I feel like I’m repeating myself over and over. I’m probably doing a bit of both. This is not a term paper. I don’t write rough drafts and correct them. What you read when you read what I have written in these scrapbooks is a running monologue in my head, the thought that come to me as I type, as I look at your pictures, that I think might matter to you one day.
One thing you’ll find out as adults, as parents especially, is that there never seems to be enough time, that there really is no such thing as “balance,” or at least that it’s an elusive enough thing as to be nearly impossible. Usually we’re just rushing along, trying to do the best we can, trying not to drop any balls, putting some back on the shelf in the hopes we’ll get them out again later… when we have more time. I know that my writing isn’t perfect. I’m not as organized as I want to be. I’m not as detailed or as consistent as I walk to be. But I KNOW how much I will want to have this record… how much I already do. I already can hardly remember you both as newborns.
It goes by so fast.
And you’ll get sick of older generations telling you that when you’re older, when you’re just starting out your own lives with your own families. They’ll tell you to hold on to every moment because “it goes fast.” Daddy and I will be telling you the same thing… or at least thinking it. Because it’s so true. It’s not a little platitude. It’s a heart-wrenching reality I write with big, slow tears. Some days life feels like water running through my fingers. I just can’t catch up. I can’t seem to accomplish EVERYthing, no matter how hard I try. It’s a constant war in my soul, a complex and never-ending equation in my mind… how do I allocate my time? How do I *not* have regrets? How do I make sure that I look back and think, “it went by fast, BUT I wouldn’t change a thing”? Life comes at you, and it keeps coming. When you’re little, everything seems to take forever. There are so many milestones you are looking forward to reaching, the “somedays” are abundant. I’m only 36. I hope that I still have a lot of “somedays” and a lot of milestones ahead of me. I know that I anticipate that I will have them. I have so, so, so much to look forward to. But the older I get, the faster the days go, and the busier they seem, and the harder it is to just breathe and be in each moment without planning the next.
This is something I struggle with. Being overwhelmed by the future. Thinking about what’s next at the expense of what is now. Failing to appreciate the moment because I am not all there. I’m already onto the next thing. These struggles are real, kids. Time is no joke. God gave us time so that we would value it. To teach us about what is eternal by contrasting it with what is temporal. He gave us feelings so that we could experience him and all that he’s created, and so that we could know him. And we *need* him. Life is overwhelming. Someday you might experience the same or different anxieties, depressions, guilts, frustrations, fears as I have. I want you to know that I have been there. I have felt them. I have struggled. I do struggle. If you aren’t ever struggling, you’re not being honest. And I want so much for you guys to grow up honest. There are so many fakers in the world. Don’t be a faker. Be a seeker. When life is too hard to handle, that’s because you were never meant to handle it on your own. Seek the Lord. He is the only answer to every question. He is what gives life meaning, because we were created for him. He is who gives perspective because he is the Alpha and Omega, he is the beginning and the end. Without him there is nothing but trying to make yourself feel better, and my loves, that will only work for so long. You might find your happiness in a person or a hobby or a possession, for a little while. But it won’t last. It isn’t meant to. Your all in all has to be the one who made you. If you seek HIM, if you trust in him and involve him in all areas of your life, if you put him first, he will direct your path. He will never leave you. He will make sense of the senseless. He will comfort you. He will guide you. He will be what you cannot be. And he is ever so much better than the distractions we pile on ourselves to keep us from really dealing with our feelings.
Time is an area of my life I constantly have to surrender to him. I am a planner. I like to be in control. I want to get it all done. And when things don’t go the way I anticipate, I have a hard time with it, on many levels. It results in a whole host of other problems. Anger, frustration, guilt, fear…The Lord is my reset button. His mercies are new every morning. He breathes life into dead bones. He creates beauty from ashes. He uses everything for our good. He is timeless, changeless, limitless, all together good. Trust him with all your hearts, loves.
Anyway… back to my imperfect recap of April 2015, week two…
We turned a piece of used backdrop paper into a big art project, a whole town drawn out in marker and crayon, including a race track, an airport, a lake, a pond, a ranger stations and mountainous trails, and more. Adela, you helped me draw and color, and the two of you drove Josiah’s cars and trucks all over it for about a week. A fun, cheap art project. The kitchen photos are more of you two doing your popcorn dance. We love popcorn in this house and we aren’t afraid to show it!
Shortly after that, Granny and Grandpa arrived for their yearly Spring visit. Daddy and Grandpa got the Chevelle back on the road. They got to witness first hand the sheer volume and the immense tenacity of your big, big personality, Josiah. I don’t think Grandpa is going to go eat Chinese with you again anytime soon, little one. Just kidding. He adores you. So does Granny. And you too, Adela. You two are lucky to have 4 grandparents who adore you. We were so buy having a good time that I hardly took any photos. Another thing I need to do better is to write down the details of our time with them. We’re about to leave on our Summer roadtrip. Granny and Grandpa’s is one of our big stops. Maybe I’ll take a journal with me to write down little memories in that I can transfer to this scrapbook. There’s a thought… It’s just so hard to remember details after weeks have gone by!
And one last cute thing, Josiah. You’ve been moving a bit away from your trains and moving toward loving trucks. All trucks. But you have a couple favorites, especially the one in the last photos. It’s a dump truck with a plow. When you resist going to bed, I’ve found that all I need to do to distract and calm you is to remind you that truck needs to go sleepies too. We keep a little washcloth in one of your drawers that has been dubbed “truck’s teetee.” You help me put him to bed with his teetee, and then we put you to bed with yours. Adorbs.
