February 20, 2014

We spent a few minutes doing a little studio mini before I packed up the stuff I’d been using for several other sessions this week. It was just the three of at home. It always amazes me how cooeprative you can be when you decide you want to be, Adela. I don’t think I would have been able to get any cute images of Josiah in the bathtub without your help. You were truly my little assistant, doing all that I asked, hiding behind me and popping up, playing peekaboo with your brother to keep his attention and make him laugh.

Four years old is a cool age. I remember Mimi telling me how much she enjoyed me when I was the age you are now. It’s right before I got my know-it-all attitude, she says. I guess you must have picked that attitude up early. Just kidding, hehe. You definitely are independently minded. And so am I. I see a lot of myself in you. That makes me proud of you, excited about who are becoming. I want you to be strong and independent and believe you can do anything you set your mind to. And it worries me as well. I see challenges in our future, clashing of wills. But I suppose that something that all parents have to come to grips with.

I’ve heard many times how children are like little mirrors, reflecting back to us what we are, little parrots, saying what we say, monkeys doing what we do. It’s true. And you, my sweet girl, love to show me my own shortcomings more than any other person alive. It’s a painful process being a parent, wanting to be a good parent, an ever-better parent, and realizing how far I have to go. I think I share the desire of most parents. We don’t want to mess it up. But what I’m realizing lately is that focusing on being a good parent is the wrong focus. Trying harder rarely works when it comes to changing the fundamental flaws in our characters. That’s a lesson that God has been teaching me for a dozen years, and now I’m seeing how it specifically applies to parenting. Trying to do better, it always results in failure and despair. That makes it sound so dramatic, but I believe it IS dramatic, a fundamental truth without which there is no true peace or success in life. The only way that I grow in my life and become the person that God created me to be is to seek Him and let Him work it out in me. Bottom line, spending time with Him, opening my heart to what He wants for me, being pliable and willing. Falling more in love with Him. That’s what makes me a better person, and–my main point–a better Mom. The change happens are a result of the relationship, not because I pull up my bootstraps and try harder. Something I have to remember on a daily basis. I’m naturally a pull-up-my-bootstraps kinda girl.

Anyway, I know I’m ranting a bit, but I promised myself I wasn’t going to let this year slip by the way I feel like last year did. With my limited time, writing down bits of my heart, my thoughts, even the unorganized ones, is not something I want to give up. So this year, I’m just going to write whatever is on my mind, when it’s on my mind. Because if I wait to organize it, I lose it, and then it’s gone. There is so much that I want you to know, when you’re older and you look back on these scrapbooks. I love the photos. I’m so glad I will never have to forget what you looked like. But I want you know more than that. I want to be an encouragement to you when you’re a Mom (or, Josiah, when you’re a Father.) I want you to know transparency. I want you to be a genuine person, a person who struggles and fails, but knows where to go and what to do to begin making things right again.

You are such a beautiful little soul, Adela. I love you so much. You drive me crazy sometimes. You test boundaries. I’m sure I will drive you crazy many times as we grow up together. Be patient with me. You are my firstborn and you’re breaking me in.

Josiah, I just put you down for a nap right before I began writing. You love your naps, boy. And you love your cuddles. Lately, I’ve been actively reminding myself about how little you need from me right now. And by “how little” I actually mean “how few.” You need very few things from me at this age in your life. You don’t need me to drive you places. You don’t need a lot of wise words. Your needs are simple. Love. Feed, bathe, cuddle, be there. For an efficiently-minded person like me, it’s something I have to actively accept. Of course, I do all these things whether I feel like it or not. But there is so much joy and purpose and peace in submitting to the reality that taking care of a baby is time-consuming, and there is nothing truly efficient about it. When I race through the day, taking care of things as quickly as I can, so that I can move onto the next thing, I miss out. You can’t exactly rush cuddling. Enjoying the process, and not just the end result, is a continuing goal of mine in all areas of my life. With you, it’s simple. You’re the best practice I have, especially because you just like being around me. Adela was always more independent. She was never a huge cuddler (more as she’s gotten older), but you want to be held for no reason, you want to be close to me. You tuck your head under my chin every chance you get, just because you like being near me. Sweet boy, I love you.

You are also, so incredibly loud. I don’t think you know how to ask for anything without damaging ear drums and breaking glass. Okay, exaggeration. But really, you have volume control issues. And tone. When you want something, you whine. Loudly. Where do babies learn these things? I try, every time you whine and scream for something, to say “Momma, please?” in a calm sweet voice and wait for you to calm down before I give you what you want. I’m not an indulgent parent. I don’t want you growing up thinking that whining and yelling is how you get what you want. But you’re also only one. That’s one of my biggest challenges with you right now. I have learned to bring 5 million things with us in the car whenever we go anywhere. At least two binkies, water cup, milk cup, cereal cup, other snack, multiple toys of all shapes and sizes, multiple blankies. We go through one thing at a time and hope we don’t run out before we get wherever we are going. I hope that you outgrow this particular little quirk and learn to sit back and enjoy the process of getting somewhere. Hey! We can work on learning that lesson together. 😉 I agree with most, that once we turn you around in your carseat, things might improve. But you are still not a gigantic baby, and all the experts agree keeping you rear-facing as long as possible is best. Soon though. We’ll turn you soon, and hopefully lower decibel driving will commence.

Speaking of the car, Adela, I taught you the eye spy game a few months ago and you can marathon that game, girl. It’s fun though, and something that keeps you entertained in the car when we’re city driving. Another random though, but like I said, just going to write things down as I think of them. I can’t tell you how many times in a day, I think, “I need to put that in their scrapbook!” and then I forget. I also started a notepad list on my cell phone. We’ll see if I an remember to use it, to “jot things down” as they come to me.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling for today. I need to go play Play-doh with my favorite girl. Love you my kiddos!