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My Dearest ‘Dela and Jo,
It’s been about 5 months since I’ve written anything in here. With Adela, I wrote every month, at least once. <sigh>
We worry about so much as parents.
As I write this, I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job with everything. A lot of times I feel like I’m failing. I should be more patient with both of you. I should spend more time planning and executing fun and creative activities with you, Adela. I should spend more time on the floor just being with you, Josiah. I should read more books to make sure I’m disciplining the right way. I should spend more time with God so that I can be more like him in all ways, especially as a parent. I should pray for you more.
I do all these things. Yet, I feel like I’m falling short a lot of the time. I’m not sure why I’m even writing these things down right now. Maybe it’s too much information. I don’t always feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I’m kicking parenting butt. But usually, I’m wondering if I can do it better. And I don’t think that’s an abnormal feeling. It seems like most parents feel that way. Because we love you so much and with much love come many desires, many hopes, many expectations.
I want so much for you guys. I want you to be healthy, and happy. I want you to know Jesus and love him, to have a deeper relationship with him that I ever have. I want to save you both from the baggage that comes from bad choices later in life. I want you to be confident and secure and never wonder that you are so very loved, that you are special and that you can do anything you set your minds to. I want you to know how to be a good friend so that you can have great friends in life, the kind that will be your listening ears when I can’t be. I want you to be able to come to me with anything and know that you will hear wisdom and find acceptance and love no matter what. I want you to know right from wrong and have hearts that desire to chose what is right. I want you to be a man and woman of conviction and integrity. I want you to be better than me.
I want so much more for you.
And I want other thing. I want to have a clean house, a happy husband, a successful business, and a little bit of time for just myself to pursue all my hobbies… or just rest.
This pursuit of balance, of perfection, of doing it all and doing it best… it’s exhausting.
But I know what the answer is. When I’m running dry, I know I need to be filled.
If I could give you one piece of advice right now, the answer to everything, it’s putting the Lord first in your lives. God does not magically fix every problem in our lives. He doesn’t always answer us in the ways we want. Sometimes it’s hard to feel him. Sometimes it’s hard to understand this supernatural relationship that we have with him and the meaning of it all. If the two of you have any of me in you, you will wrestle with many heavy questions, you will struggle in your souls, and wrack your brains for understanding. Life doesn’t always make sense. But this I know. Jesus is the answer. He never fails us. He is unchanging. He is stability. He is perspective. He is everything.
You can try to make sense of your own life. You can be successful and do everything with excellence. You can fill your life with good things, good deeds, good relationships. You can stay busy. But at the end of the day, when it’s you by yourself and your thoughts, you will wonder. You will struggle. We all do. We all have our insecurities, our failures, our questions, our loneliness, and although I will do everything in my power to support and love and guide you in this life, NO one – not me, or your father, or your best friends, or greatest mentor – no one will understand you deeply and truly. Not like Jesus does. He is the answer.
Spend time with him every day. Even when you don’t feel like it. Even when the words fall flat. Even when you have nothing to say. Even when you can’t feel him. He listens. He understands. Be real with him. He can take whatever you throw at him. He accepts all our ugliness, the raw truth, and – if we let him – he helps us overcome it. He turns ashes to beauty. He gives us peace and purpose.
You dont’ have to pretend you have it all together. You don’t have to juggle your own life. There is so much peace and freedom of letting go of all the things we really have no control over anyway and giving it to the one who knows you better, loves you most, and has an awesome plan for your life if you just let him in.
I love, Adela. I love you, Josiah.
From my heart,
Momma