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So, you’re 19 months old now. SO BIG! Your personality has changed so much in the past month, even though it’s only been a month since my last post I have so much to say about you! A whole 19 month post is coming up, but for now a word on discipline. We’re finally there, and a little caught off guard!
You whine, cry and throw tantrums now. Haha! Not the most endearing topic. But it’s such a huge change from how you used to be – my ever smiley, easy-going baby. Not that you’re unhappy now. You’re happy a lot and you still smile a ton. And you’re still as darling as ever. But it’s like you suddenly both 1) became more emotional in general AND 2) discovered that you can express your dislike of a situation by making unpleasant sounds (i.e. whining, crying) and actions (i.e. swinging your arms, shaking your head, running away.) I have to say, it took me entirely by surprise. We weren’t prepared.
We’re far from having developed a philosophy on discipline yet. We’re in a trial and error – and pray a lot – stage of figuring out how to respond to you. On the one hand, I know you know what you’re doing a lot of the time. Sometimes it’s obvious that you’re being willful and we need to nip that in the bud. On the other hand you’re only 19 months old and you still don’t talk. You have a few words and a few more signs, but your frustration with not being able to talk is absolutely part of what’s going on. I’m convinced of it. You know what you want, but you can’t tell us. I can’t discipline you for that.
Most of the time your fits are related to not getting something you want or having to go somewhere you don’t want to go. We know we can’t let you get what you want when you whine and cry so, if at all possible, we will hold off on giving you what we know you want until you’re done with the fit. Either we distract you with something else, or we tell you that when you’re all done crying you can have it. You’re young enough that distractions still work in certain situations where the battle just isn’t worth it. And you’re old enough that you understand us (at least some times when you’re not too worked up) when we tell you that you can have it when you stop crying.
In more rebellious situations, I have attempted some minor punishments. For example, I’ve slapped your hand a few times when you’re looked at me with that gleam in your eye and thrown food on the ground when I’ve asked you to hand it to me. You absolutely do it in a rebellious way and we’ve been dealing with the food throwing for months and months now. You’re old enough to know what you’re doing and that you shouldn’t be doing it. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that a little bit of pain (I don’t do it hard enough to leave a mark, but it does sting a little) is actually really effective. I’ve slapped your hand 2 or 3 times, and now usually when I threaten it you stop what you’re doing and look at me. Dr. Dobson was right, a little bit of pain is a great motivator. I wasn’t sure if I’d have the stomach for it, but honestly it’s not as hard as I imagined – not when I know you’re doing something wrong intentionally. But I don’t enjoy it and plan on being very sparing when it comes to such punishments. Afterwards, after the tears, I’ve explained to you again that we “don’t throw food on the ground, we give it to Momma or put it back on the plate” and I hug you. Sometimes you nod, and you never stay mad at me. It inspires a kind of sweet contrition. But I never want to over-do the punishments. And I second-guess whether hand-slapping is the right thing to do or not. I guess we’ll just take it one day at a time. So far, it’s been effective.
We use positive reinforcement religiously. I praise you up and down whenever you make right choices, and so does Daddy (and all the rest of the family whenever they’re around you.) I agree and whole-heartedly believe that praise for doing the right thing is better than punishment for doing the wrong thing and that will always be a cornerstone in how we raise you.
I don’t want to have to spank you, and we’re not to the point of considering it yet. But I imagine that, if we have to, we will. I was spanked as a kid, and I don’t think it damaged me. I think a few less spanking would have sufficed in my case, but I also never questioned my parents’ love for me. They did their best. I think I turned out alright. But I think we’ll try time outs first.
The first discipline book I’ve read is “Dare to Discipline” by James Dobson. It’s a little dated and not all of it was relevant, but still worth the few hours it took to read it. “How to Get the Best From Your Children” by “Super Nanny” Jo Frost is the next book I read. Not altogether as different as I imagined – aside from the major difference of using physical pain as a punishment. Currently, I’m reading the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers. I wanted to read this one first, but had to make it to Barnes and Noble to pick it up. Finally, I did. Her baby book was my favorite of all the ones I read when you were littler. So far, her toddler book is equally as and useful and enjoyable. I confirmed once again that, even with your big personality, your Daddy and I have it fairly easy. You aren’t one of the more difficult temperaments. And of course, I value the advice of other parents, including your grandparents’. There are so many conflicting opinions about everything, it’s hard to discern what will work best for you.
But whatever we do, the things we do right and the things we get wrong, you’ll always know that we’re doing our best and that we want the best for you. Be patient with us. We love you. And you really are a very, very good girl.